Broken Dawn: A Breaking Dawn parody
by Kaki Enirtle
Summary: Bella and Edward are getting married! Jacob is missing and the minor vampire characters are STILL minor vampire characters.
1. Chapter 1

If somebody you loved was killing you.. I guess that makes it ok...

I was getting scared. My wedding with Edward was in less that a week. Jacob was nowhere to be found. I was about to become a vampire. And I failed Gym. I was getting the jitters. Edward was not nervous at all. He was mad. I don't know why though. We were finally going to be together forever! I mean, I was going to be a vampire for him. You know what that means right?

No more Pizza. That's what that means.

Plus, no more mom, Charlie, friends who I hate, and Jacob. I mean, they're all important too.

But they aren't pizza.

"Do you really want to be a vampire? Please please please change your mind!" Edward pleaded with me.

"No! I want to be with you forever!" I told him firmly.

"Are you sure? 'Cause I can eat you!" He told me.

"Yeah. I want to be with you forever!"

"How about the marriage? We're young! We can wait." Edward begged.

"No. I want to be with you forever!"

"Fine! I get it. Why'd I have to be so hot?" He groaned. I smiled and tried to kiss him.

Alice, unlike Edward, was so excited for the wedding. It was like she and I were the ones getting married. Not Edward and I. I wouldn't mind too much. Alice was pretty hot..

In a dead, straight kind of way.

I wouldn't mind being married to Alice. I'm sure she would be a caring wife. I'm sure we'd lead a happy life.

Hey. What do you know? Maybe I was nervous for the wedding.

000

"So. You're getting married." Charlie said one morning. We were eating soggy cereal that tasted like dirt. This was because I wanted Charlie to get used to making his own food for once. Fail.

"Yeah."

"Can I ask why?"

"Because Edward won't put out until we do." I told him. Ooops.

"So this is what it's all about?" Charlie asked me, his nostrils flaring.

My eye started twitching so much that I couldn't reply.

"I'll *twitch* go *twitch* now." I told him. I ran up to my room. I forgot to tell my mom I was getting married. So I e-mailed her.

_Hi mom!  
It's me Bella. You know, your daughter. I just wanted to tell you I'm getting married to a dead guy sometime this week. K bye._

After this, being the awkward boring person that I was, I fell asleep.


	2. Chapter 2

I'll skip ahead to the wedding day because nothing interesting happened.

"It's time! It's time!" Alice yelled (how many times has she said that?). She dragged me downstairs. It took a little longer because I almost fell down.

The Cullens, except Edward, Rosalie, and Jasper, all looked happy to see me. Edward looked grossed out, Rosalie just kept twirling her hair, and Jasper... was well Jasper.

"Let's just get this over with." Edward muttered. He looked hot in his tux.

The priest was in the other room. How weird. Charlie bawled like a baby when he saw me and Rene was too busy with Phil to notice me.

The wedding was about to start.

000

The reception. Jacob wasn't there. I wasn't expecting him to be. Seth, the needy wolf, was though. He was with his sister Leah, who was also a wolf. Except Leah wore a shirt. The other werewolves did not. Seth seemed to be wearing a shirt though, but this was probably because he was fifteen and there were a lot of creepy old men in the house.

Jacob's dad was there too. We didn't really acknowledge each other, seeing that I caused his son pain. There were also more vegetarian vampires. Friends of Cullens. Speaking of, I looked around for Edward.

He looked like a boy at a school dance. He had untucked his shirt and was standing glumly near the punch. I walked over to him.

"Hi! Call me Mrs. Cullen now!" I yelled. He grimaced.

"You're gross."

"I love you too!" I hugged him. "I'm going to steal your virtue." I whispered. He shoved me back.

"What?" He asked me. He looked disgusted.

"Nothing. Let's dance."

And so dance we did. Edward just stood stiffly with me while I contorted my body to all sorts of dance moves. Seth joined me. Except he looked like he was dancing. I looked liked I was having a seizure. The night ended with Edward taking me to the hospital. He was obviously relieved that we didn't have to do… things that married people do. Like taxes.

The doctor asked me a lot of questions and he would keep writing stuff on this clip board thing.

"Hey could you look at me when we talk and not your clip board?" I asked him. He stared at me for a long time. Then he nodded and wrote something to his clip board. I tried to sneak a peek but I was too slow. Duh. "Hey doctor! Why don't you like me?" I started crying. Beside me, Edward rolled his eyes. He left the room and I think I heard him mutter something about "All bad things happen to me." I bet he was talking about the doctor. Because Edward loves me. Duh.


	3. Chapter 3

Esme had lent us her cottage somewhere in a different island. We used another cheaply made mythical creature to fly there. The house was perfect. It was small and since I don't really know how to describe other things (that are not Edward), I will just say it is pretty and awesome and pretty. Edward first checked the room.

"Drat. There's only one bed." He muttered.

"YAY! The closer we get to each other, the better!" I yelled happily.

"Why me?"

"Because you're hot."

"Any other reason?"

"Nope."

"That's pretty shallow."

"I want to be with you every moment forever!"

"What? That's redundant."

"Ooooh. A new brand of ants?"

He did a face palm. He muttered something about "Why can't the undead die?"

000

It was night time already. Edward and I had not done anything fun just yet. So this was married life. Your significant other ignoring you while you marvel at his perfection. I poked him. He was asleep, which was weird because he told me vampires don't sleep.

"Edward." I whispered. He murmured something like "potato". I poked him again. "Edward." I told him, louder. Nothing. I leaned near his ear and yelled "EDWARD!" He shot up.

"What the hell Swan?" He yelled back.

"Want to do something married people do?" I asked him.

He groaned. "Taxes?"

"No. You know. What they do when they're on their honey moon."

"Fight."

"No. The other thing."

He frowned. "Oh." Then he looked like he was about to puke. "I'd rather do taxes. "

"Well we don't live together. Yet." I smiled at him.

He cringed. "Never will."

"But Edward! You are perfection! A boring, awkward Mary-Sue like me would never leave your perfect side! Even your breath smells perfect!" I told him clutching his arm. He pulled away. He was strong so I was thrown to the other end of the room.

Immediately, a huge crowd appeared. Also a referee and a wrestling ring.

"On this corner, the perfect sparklefairy, Edward Cullen!" The referee yelled. The crowd went wild.

"And on this corner, the boring, awkward twitcher, Bella Swan!" The referee yelled. The crowd became silent. "Let's get ready to rumble!" He yelled. The crowd went wild once more.

Then Edward, wearing pink tights, ran to me and slammed me down to the floor. I tried to get up but Edward had me on choke hold. He did a lot of other things to me. He really loved me.

At some point, I realized we were not wrestling. We were actually consummating our marriage.


	4. Chapter 4

I had bruises everywhere. Bruises, cuts, broken bones, you name it, I had it. I took my injuries as a sign of Edward's love.

Also, I was pregnant. That's what the stick said. Actually from here it looked like a marker. I like markers. But this was not a marker. It was a pregnancy test. It was the kind that said the words PREGNANT if you were pregnant and NOT PREGNANT if you weren't. I was confused with the color. I wonder how these wonderful little sticks could predict if you were pregnant or not. Maybe there was a psychic inside it.

"Edward!" I yelled out.

"What?" He told me. He was so fast; I barely even blinked.

"Guess what?"

"You're dying? You're gay? You want a divorce?" He asked. I laughed. He was so funny.

"No! I'm pregnant!" I think it was the last thing Edward heard before perfectly fainting. The way he fell to the floor was so hot!

000

When Edward woke up, he was furious. He frowned (perfectly).

"How is this possible?" Edward asked.

"Well, it's because we love each other so very much so we had to transfer our love to another person, or else we'd explode!" I answered him happily. He grimaced.

"But I'm dead! Therefore my body should not be producing sperm cells anymore!" He exclaimed.

"But you are so overly-perfect! That's why your body still has sperm cells!"

"I fail to see your logic. Your point is invalid." He told me blankly.

"This is a good thing! I'm going to be a mommy!"

"I guess that means I'm going to be a dad." He grimaced again. "By the way, what did you tell Charlie? I mean, you're going to be gone for a long time." He asked.

"Charlie is a negligent parent. He didn't even notice that I left." I whimpered. Edward laughed and it sounded like perfect chimes of perfect bells. I laughed with him even though I had no idea what we were laughing about.

He abruptly stopped laughing. He turned serious once more. He was so moody and I find that hot.

"I must ask Carlisle about this. I'm too perfect to research this topic. Research is for common folk." He informed me. I smiled. I had no idea what he meant by common folk.

"Do you want me to go with you? I mean, without you I am nothing."

"No thank you. I'm good. No wait, I'm awesome."


	5. Chapter 5

"So apparently it was possible for vampires to impregnate people and hello? Why did I not use protection?" Edward exclaimed angrily. I played with my hair, not knowing what impregnate meant.

"What's impregnate?" I asked him.

He glared at me. "Were you dropped on your head when you were a baby?"

"Once or twice. How'd you know?" He knew everything about me! That wasn't creepy at all!

He sighed. "Anyway, Carlisle said that while it was possible for vampires and humans to breed, there wasn't a single case like this. Which sucks for us."

"We shall call the baby Reneesme!" I told him, clapping my hands with glee.

He glared at me again. "What the hell kind of a name is Reneesme?"

"Well, Rene for my mom who abandoned me for a young guy. Well, I did volunteer to leave because I'm selfless like that. And Esme for your adoptive mother who looks younger than you! Well, I heard she actually was younger than you in vampire years. So what was that like? No never mind, I don't want to know." I gasped for air a few times. Another advantage of being a vampire: I wouldn't need to breathe.

"Ok, whatever. I don't care what you name it. We aren't keeping it." He told me.

"What? NO! We must keep it! It will be a sign of our undying love!"

"Our love won't ever die! I mean you can't kill something that doesn't exist in the first place."

"What?"

"Nothing. We aren't keeping that thing and that's final!"

"But it's like an unwanted puppy!"

"I don't care. Abort it. Whatever, just don't keep it."

I thought this over. Just kidding, as if I knew how to think. "Is there an unwanted baby pound or something?"

He stared at me blankly. "You mean an adoption agency?"

"No, I mean an unwanted baby pound. Where parents can leave their unwanted babies so that people who do want babies can get them."

"Bella. You just described an adoption agency."

"Is that the name of the unwanted baby pound?"

He sighed. "Never mind Bella." He told me, rubbing the side of his forehead.

000

"I Yahoo-ed the stuff about vampire-human pregnancy. The fact that I used Yahoo instead of Google should give you a good view on how much of a loser I am." Edward told me. I gasped. Clearly I heard wrong. How could the perfect Edward use Yahoo instead of Google? I let this go because I was so desperately in love with him.

"What did it say?"

"It says that thing in your belly will be born in about 10 weeks."

"Is that how long 9 months is?" I was confused. I read in _Pregnancy for Mary-sues _that it would be 9 months.

"No it's shorter."

I gasped dramatically. "What does that mean?"

He looked at me gravely…


End file.
